Alex Carter | My First Silent Retreat. (A story for people curious about contemplative Christian spirituality.)
An SGM Interview with Alex Carter
Discovering the gift of silent retreats
Alex Carter is a 42 year old father of three, and with his wife Lisa, are members of Rewa South, an intentional community in Manurewa. He works part-time as a graphic/UI designer working with not-for-profit clients, but feels called to explore training as a spiritual director. In this blogpost, Kathryn Cass has a conversation with Alex about his first experience of participating in a silent contemplative retreat and what that has meant for his life and relationship with God.
Alex, could you tell us about your first experience of going on a silent retreat?
In 2021, I attended the “Journey to Surrender” silent contemplative retreat run by Jo Garton and friends. It was held at the St Francis Retreat Centre in Auckland over a weekend - from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon.
I had been on a journey for a couple of years towards a more contemplative spirituality - practicing journaling, contemplative prayer, lectio divina, centring prayer and doing a lot of reading from Richard Rohr. These practices are wonderful, but I was hungry for more.
My spiritual director, Marven Harkness, dropped the suggestion of going on retreat into one of our sessions. I was unsure at first. I had never gone on a contemplative retreat. It sounded like something you had to be “ready” for. And the cost was also a significant factor to consider.
But despite my hesitations, I felt drawn to register for it.
The fact that it was a silent retreat excited me. I had only entered silence for a few hours at a time before, and although I was uncertain about what to expect, I have a deep longing to know God. I thought if this was a space to do that, then what was I waiting for? It seemed like a logical next step on the journey.
St Francis Retreat Centre, Hillsborough. Auckland
What was happening in your life at this time?
Life is noisy and distracting. With three wonderful children at home, work and community life, it’s always “on”. A break from that really appealed to me.
I had been struggling with my self-worth as well. When anything in my life went wrong, I would blame myself, and my internal dialogue was very negative.
Through spiritual direction, I was learning to recognise God’s presence in all aspects of my life, and his unconditional acceptance of me, but it was more a head understanding, than a heart one.
I longed to know God’s love for me more deeply, more tangibly. I often say that I “want to know God loves me in my bones”. To have an unshakable knowledge of his love for me.
St Francis Retreat Centre, Hillsborough. Auckland
Could you share something of your experience of the retreat?
At the retreat, the process of entering into silence was so gentle.
As the noise and energy of my own thinking ran out of fuel, I found I wasn’t actually alone. Instead, my inner monologue turned into a close and special dialogue with God, and I would share my thoughts and pondering with him constantly.
A walk took on new wonder, the labyrinth was exploding with significant metaphor and mealtimes were intimate, surrounded by other silent participants, but embraced by the one who loves me most.
St Francis Retreat Centre, Hillsborough. Auckland
I became acutely aware of God’s nearness. The urgency of life was replaced by an expectancy of companionship as I read and walked and journaled with Christ. He spoke to me so much, through so many things.
Things that have stayed with me were phrases God spoke in my heart, like “In the stillness you will find me” and a deep realisation of Isaiah 49:16 “See I have written your name on the palms of my hands”.
Did you meet with a spiritual director each day of the retreat?
I did. The time spent talking with Jo in our one-hour sessions were wonderful. Helping to order my experiences, reinforcing God’s acceptance of me, and shining a light on things I hadn’t quite connected yet (thank you, Jo!)
On the last day, I decided to go for a walk in Monte Cecelia Park, right next door to the Friary. It was a beautiful sunny day, the light hitting the green leaves. I breathed deeply and thanked God in my mind for all the things I had been shown and the time we’d spent together.
Flickr: russellstreet, Creative Commons
It was then that I heard a voice in my heart saying “This is my Son! With him I am well pleased!” I was stunned! Immediately thinking “No! I am not Jesus, you can’t say this about me!” But then a peace and realisation that this was God speaking his love to me. I AM his son, he IS pleased with me, and he was telling all creation.
It’s an experience with God that I hope stays with me forever.
What’s it like to reflect on this now? What has been the fruit of this experience in your life?
When I reflect back, I know that God was waiting for this time as much as I was.
God spoke to me a lot at this retreat, and I realised that he’s always speaking, but I’m often moving too quickly to catch what He’s saying. I’m often focusing on the next, or the urgent, instead of slowing down to catch up to God and becoming aware of the now and the deep.
The invitation was to silence. To seek the deep places with God, and create space in my life and heart to experience his great love for me. It also gave me a glimpse of my true self.
I returned home, non-anxious, at peace, ready and genuinely able to receive my whānau as they are, not as I wished them to be.
You and I met in September 2023, at the ‘Greening Retreat’ facilitated by Karen Haines and Linda Piggot. How was this second retreat experience for you?
This was a very different experience for me. Entering into silence was now familiar and welcome instead of scary. I was looking forward to an intimate time with God, and it was wonderful, but the things he spoke to me about were very different, and that was unexpected.
I was led to explore the idea of letting go. God was gently showing me that I was clinging tightly to a lot of things. My time, my energy, my need to be in control.
I came to see that the invitation was to trust God to provide in those spaces where I felt I didn’t have enough to give. That through Christ, there would be, and is enough to do what lies before me. It was an invitation to let go of self-reliance and lean into abiding in him.
In contrast to my first retreat, where I found the doorway to deeper presence through silence and stillness, this time it was in movement.
I was more aware of Jesus with me when I was walking the labyrinth, than when I was still. I experienced God’s delight in me, his curiosity about my thinking, and his playfulness.
I had a clear “ah-ha” moment in the verse “In him we live and move and have our being” Acts 17:28.
It helped me see the chaos of my three children at home as a wonder - their energy and volume is evidence of that God-given life. It was so freeing!
Still, or moving, God is with us.
Photo by Scott Webb on Unsplash
What resonated with you from the “Greening” theme?
I loved the truth that God can bring life to anything. That the cycle of death, and decay is a part of life, and that all life is an outpouring of God. Life is so vibrant and abundant.
A symbol of this abundance came to me in the form of the kawakawa plant which was literally everywhere in the gardens at the St Francis Retreat Centre! I love the native plants of Aotearoa, and appreciate their uniqueness. They are a taonga.
Kawakawa, especially, is good for my stomach when I make it into tea. It is healing. I often wonder that when the book of Revelation describes the trees of heaven with “leaves that will heal the nations”, that perhaps they are heart-shaped kawakawa leaves.
Perhaps they also symbolise that God has provided to us in Aotearoa all that we need to heal the relationship between Tangata Whenua and Tangata Tiriti. This reminder that God provides, that there is enough, that in fact there is MORE than enough, was another key takeaway from this retreat.
What might you say to people who have never experienced a contemplative retreat before and are curious about it?
I wish I’d discovered this practice of retreat 10 years ago!
It’s probably like nothing you’ve ever experienced. Being alone can be scary for many of us, and silence even more so. But silence and solitude can be a doorway to a very special time with God.
If you’re like me, and have a hunger to know God more; to go deeper, I encourage you to try this.
Be open to anything God might want to say to you, and trust His promise that “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord...” Jer 29:13-14.
There is always more of God to discover. There’s always a new insight, a deeper expression of His love. If you’re tired, worn out, fed up, feel like you’ve been there, done that… then go to the quiet places, be open, and wait.
Alex Carter is a 42 year old father of three, and with his wife Lisa, are members of Rewa South, an intentional community in Manurewa. He works part-time as a graphic/UI designer working with not-for-profit clients, but feels called to explore spiritual direction. His unexpected journey to contemplative spirituality is rather recent, but deeply appreciated. He wishes more people knew there are other ways to experience life with God than simply praying, reading the bible and attending church.
