Holly Walton | Re-Reading my Journals for my 50th Birthday

An SGM Interview with Holly Walton
A Massive Life Review

Holly Walton is a spiritual director, chaplain for the elderly and retreat facilitator with a particular gift for gently supporting people to find a place of inner quiet and exploring contemplative practices to nurture their soul. She emigrated to Aotearoa, New Zealand from South Africa in 2014. In this blog post, Kathryn Overall has a conversation with Holly about her experience of re-reading 47 of her personal journals for a milestone birthday.

When Holly Walton turned 50, her planned party celebrations had to be cancelled thanks to COVID. After receiving beautiful letters from loved ones near and far, she wondered “What would God’s letter to me have said?” In the quiet of lock-down, she re-read a life-time’s worth of journals to find out.

Holly, when did your journalling practice begin?

I started keeping a diary when I was in my early teens. These were more a record of my day's events and current crushes than a journal. Those are the only two diaries that I threw away and I wish that I had kept them! I still remember that the one had a large poster of David Hasselhof carefully glued in, and the other had my secrets written in very basic Zulu so that if they were found no one in my house would understand!

My adult journal practice really grew out of the intersection of a few significant life events - my first serious relationship, finishing uni and a charismatic church experience.

Writing was the way that I intuitively made sense of all that was going on for me. As a melancholic introvert I found that writing helped me calm and order my inner world.

How did journalling become a contemplative spiritual practice for you?

My early writings were a combination of events and feelings but with time I began writing prose (gosh some of it is BAD) and capturing prayers, reflecting on scriptures or things that I felt God might be showing me. Some years there was time and space and I wrote prolifically, whilst some journals contain the sparse writings of a number of years. More recently, I have found that I fill many journals in a year. 

I have allowed myself the freedom to use my journals as a wonderfully creative space - I draw and use colour, I paste in images or objects that have captured my attention. I doodle. I write poems/prose and prayers.

I am aware of capturing the mountaintops of my days and not just the struggles of the valleys. I capture the stuff of life unreservedly, without fear of whether I am ‘doing it right’. My journal space has been a real sacred space for me.

Did you bring all of your journals with you from South Africa to New Zealand?

Yes! When we emigrated from Cape Town one of my biggest worries was that my massive box of journals would be lost at sea. Once our container arrived safely in Auckland I unpacked them with a sigh of relief and once again they were stored in a large box under my bed. At some point I numbered them chronologically and this made referring to them much easier. So if I was facing a particular situation I could refer back to the journals from a similar time and see how I had responded and what I had learnt.

What prompted you to re-read your journals at the milestone of your 50th birthday?

For my 50th birthday we had planned a large celebration - which was cancelled due to lockdown. Instead, my husband collected letters from family and friends from all over the world. He collated these into an enormous, feel-good powerpoint, which we watched on my actual birthday. I was so humbled and so overwhelmed by the lovely letters that I received - it was such a gift hearing what people had to say about me.

Being a spiritual director I reflected on all of this one day and asked myself “what would God’s letter to you have said?” And taking a heap of 47 or so  journals, a blank notebook and a pack of coloured felt tips I decided to find out!

What was this experience like for you?

Starting at the very beginning, I went through and captured highlights, struggles, points of prayer and promises from each old journal in different colours.

I wept at some of the hard times twenty something me went through.

I felt the anguish of seemingly unanswered prayers, the grief of death, my sleeplessness during my daughters’ teen years.

I noticed patterns in the promises that I felt God had given me - images and Scriptures that came up again and again. The strange thing is that every time they had felt like new and fresh revelations. I smiled at some of the things I used to struggle with and how 50 year old me has finally outgrown some stuff.

The process took many days, and it was an emotional journey. 

What have you learnt about yourself, God and the spiritual journey through this process?

I learnt that my prayers are answered - but sometimes 20 years later and often in completely unexpected ways.

I learnt that God is consistent - the promises I felt God had made to me over the years were continuous, part of a bigger picture that I watched emerge with the journal entries of each passing year. And if I had not stopped to reflect on these writings, and if I had not written over the course of all those years, this incredible gift would have remained undiscovered, or worse would have been lost.

I came away from the experience realising that God’s letter to me was written across the journey of my lifetime.

This awareness of God with me always and consistently DESPITE when it feels that God is anything but present and consistent helps me in my life now and in the decisions that I am making.

How has this personal experience informed the way you journey with people as a spiritual director and chaplain?

It helps me keep rooted in the hope of my faith both as a spiritual director and chaplain. This is really central to my ability to hold a safe space for the stories of doubt and hopelessness that I often hear.

I am able to trust that God is at work on the long journey of someone else’s life and story just as God has been at work on the long journey of mine.

Holly Walton is a spiritual director, chaplain and retreat facilitator in Tāmaki Makaurau (Auckland). She can be contacted through her practice Facebook Page, Quiet Space Spiritual Direction.

As part of her formation in the SGM Spiritual Directors Formation Programme, Holly created a resource to introduce busy people to contemplative practices of stillness and silence. Into Silence - The Sound of a Gentle Whisper can be accessed online. Printed, full-colour copies are available for $7 plus postage and are proving to be a popular resource for spiritual directors in Aotearoa, New Zealand. Please email Holly directly to purchase and to enquire after bulk order rates.